It was just a joke.  (2798 views, 64 replies)

Blokes wife is learning how to drive by going up and down the street in front of the house, she parks up in the drive and comes back in the house and says to the husband aren't those cats eyes getting i-tech, he goes what you mean, she then says the squeak they now make when you go off line, she then says where you off, he replies the pet shop...again. <br> <br> <br> <br>

A men comes home late from a works party, misses shouts out your dinner's in the dog, he says we haven't got a dog, she then says the cat, he says we haven't got a cat, she then says the guinea pig, he says we haven't got a guinea pig, then the kids run down stairs after hearing a big scream and see their father in the corner of the room shaking, they go mum,mum what happened, she replies...your dad has just seen the goldfish.

@Vodka are you ok? ))))))))

don't give up the day job PV

One day I was walking down the street and I turned the corner and I bumped into a lady and her eye fell out.so I reached down and picked it up.I said,I'm sorry about that mam !she said,that's okay ,next time I'm coming around the corner I'll keep an eye out for you.

grandpa,grandpa,where you been?I've been in the woods and back again.Grandpa what did you see? I've seen a naked woman in a tree.grandpa,grandpa,what did you do ?I drop my drawers and went up there to. Grandma,grandma have you heard what grandpa doing in the woods. Grandma,grandma what are you going to do ,I'll grab my shotgun and go up there to.

Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 999. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" <br> <br> <br> The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let's make sure he's dead." There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"

<br> A man with a pair of jump cables walks into a bar. <br> <br> Barman looks him up and down and says "Ok I'll serve you, but don't start anything!" <br> <br> one for Greg <br> Two cows stood next to each other in a field, watching their calves. Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated you know." <br> <br> "No, really? I don't believe you." says Dolly. <br> <br> "Yes, it's true, straight up, no bull!" <br>

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." <br> Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Please post more British humour. Thanks.

Dai had proposed to Megan and been accepted. "But", added Megan, before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my past life." <br> "No," said Dai, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married." <br> After they were married and had set off for their honeymoon in Penarth, Megan again brought up the subject of her "dreadful secret". <br> "No," said Dai, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together, that'll be soon enough." <br> That night as they got into bed Megan declared "Well, Dai, now I really do have to tell you my secret. You see .I'm a virgin." <br> Dai didn't say a word but put on his clothes and travelled all the way back to his mother's house. <br> "Dai!" said his mother, "what are you doing here, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon." <br> "It's no good", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan; it turns out she's a virgin." <br> "Well, Dai," said his mother, "in that case you were quite right to come home. ... If she's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you."
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In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort". <br> <br> The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother. <br> <br> My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. <br> <br> <br>

A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out." <br> Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone. <br> After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?" <br> The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal." <br> The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. <br> <br> ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ <br> <br> ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ <br> <br> The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ <br> <br> ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ <br> <br> The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

Would like to hear more jokes " you " have thought up has well please, and remember i'm always honest with what i think of them.

Why did the marble blush? <br> . <br> . <br> . <br> . <br> . <br> . <br> . <br> Because his friend showed him is big dobbers.

I went to this bar and saw a man watching the news .On the news it showed a man was going to jump off a bridge,so I sat down by the man.Then I ask him ,I bet that the man will jump ,so he betted me .so a few mins later the man jumped off the bridge.Then the guy handed me his money and I walked off ,then I came back and said,Hi man!I can't do you like this. I saw that man jumping off the bridge this morning,so he looked up at me and said ,I did to, but I didn't know he was going to do it again.

I'll never forget the last words my grandfather said to me: <br> <br> "Stop shaking the ladder you little sh*t!"

An intelligent, highly successful blonde is driving through the countryside one day heading for a well-earned holiday. As she passes by an open field she sees a blonde woman, sitting in a row boat trying to row through the field. Angry at this, the intelligent and highly successful blonde brings the car to a screeching halt, gets out and goes over to the fence. <br> <br> "You are an absolute disgrace," she screams across the gap between them. "It's people like you that give blondes a bad name and if I could swim I'd come over there and kick your arse."

Man calls woman a whore! she replys thats right! If I as many sticking out of me as I had stuck in me I would look like a porapine and and yours would be screaming WHERE IS THE BEEF!

pat & mick walking down street ,,pat falls down a man hole ,, mick shouts to pat " IS IT DARK DOWN THR " pat says i dont know a cany see mick throws him down a match says here pat ul see now ,,, pat shouts back up " HERE MICK THIS MATCH ISNT LIGHING " micks a dont know how it worked for me earlier <br> <br>

pat & mick were on an aeroplane pat says to mick see if a turn the plane upside down do u think we will fall out mick says dont be daft we'll always be pals

<br> <br> <br> <br> A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." <br> The blonde starts sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying like that!" <br> After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazillion ?"

The police knocked at my door today and said they have bad news <br> <br> "What is it" I replied? <br> <br> They said "it looks like your wife has been in an accident" <br> <br> I said, "I know, but she has a nice personality <br> <br>

<br> A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. <br> One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. <br> He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. <br> His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. <br> You truly are a kind man.” <br> <br> The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Sharon sets off on her walk to work and everyday she passes the pet shop, then one day she notices a new sign in the window saying "Fanny licking frog inside", she carrys on her walk to work and keeps thinking about what shes missing. Next day she passes the shop again and ponders, third day comes along, off she sets on her walk and cant resist the tempetation! She walks into the pet shop and straight up to the counter and says to the man at the counter... <br> Hello, i've come about the fanny licking frog... <br> He replies..... Ahhh Bonjoir madame <br> <br> <br> American members a "fanny" in the UK is a ladies front bottom <br>

A woman is shopping one day and goes into a shop. The shopkeeper says "I think you'll be interested in this magic mirror I got, you look into it and say mirror, mirror on the door and tell it what you want and it will happen." <br> <br> The lady buys the mirror right away and takes it home and hangs it on her door. She looks into and says "mirror, mirror on the door make my chest a size 44" and bam she has big ol knockers. <br> <br> That night when her husband comes home she tells him what happened. So he goes to the mirror and says "mirror, mirror on the door make my d**k touch the floor" and bam both his legs fell off. <br> <br>

A young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. <br> <br> "Do you have any sales experience?" asked the manager. <br> <br> "The famous Barras mate.", nodded the young man. <br> <br> The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job. The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. <br> <br> After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was settling in. <br> <br> "So... how many sales did you make today?", he smiled at the boy. <br> <br> "just the wan". The manager was immediately disappointed. <br> <br> "What? Just one? Harrods' sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for? <br> <br> "£101,237.64" said the lad. The Harrods manager choked. <br> <br> "Blimey... One hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence! What in hell did you sell him?" <br> <br> "Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then ah selt him a new fishing rod. ... Then ah asked him where he was gaun' fishing, and he said doon the coast, so ah telt him he would need a boat. We went doon tae the boat department and ah selt him that twin-engined power Cat... then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so ah took him down to car sales and ah selt him a 4x4 Suzuki......." <br> <br> The manager was now incredulous. "Wait a minute. You mean to tell me a man came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a four-by-four ... " <br> <br> "Naw naw, big man... he came in tae buy a box of tampons fur 'is missus and ah said: <br> 'Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's humped, ye might as well go fishing'..."
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A blond woman had been hit with financial difficulties. <br> <br> She'd recently lost her job, only had enough savings for at least three weeks minimum. If they live an over extreme frugal life. <br> So desperate she was.. She'd get on her bended knees every night before Saturday and pray. "Please Lord... Help me win Lotto? I've lost my job and if I don't get any money? I gone lose my house too. Please let me win Lotto. Amen!" <br> <br> Saturday comes and she don't win! <br> <br> So she prays again!..."Please Lord.. Let me win the Lotto? I've lost my job, about to lose my house and on top of that my car also. Help me win Lotto please? Amen!" <br> <br> Saturday comes and she still don't win!! <br> <br> And again she prays.. "My God! Why has thy Forsaken me? Have I not been a good person? Have I not lived by your teaching? Have I not given blood sweat and tears towards the needy. ... Why Lord? Why?" <br> <br> Suddenly a blinding flash appeared as the heavens opened and the thunderous voice of God spoke out. <br> <br> "My child.. My child.. <br> Go Forth and Please BUY A BLOODY TICKET!" <br> <br>
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What did the blind man say when he was handed a cheese grater? <br> <br> "Wow! This the most violent thing I've read in a while."

This uplifting news story: <br> <br>

All I know is that it's the Onion. They make up News Stories and report them like they are real so if they laugh or anything it just won't work. It's really cool when people not from the U.S. see them and totally buy into them.

I'm gonna try this. Listen I'm the last person in the group if we all have to tell a joke. By the time they get round to me.. everyone I hope is drunk enough. I stumble .. make mistakes.. miss out so much that .. it's REALLY funny. For the wrong reason. <br> I think me telling a joke in person is much funnier. Please don't hate me forever. <br> <br> <br> <br> Two girls in an office building, first thing on Monday morning having a chat by the water cooler/ coffee area. <br> One girl says to the other........ "Do anything special this weekend?" <br> And the other girl says... "You know that guy Chris who calls me all the time." <br> ... "well.. on Friday, when I got off work.. he was here with a stretch limo and a bouquet of roses.. whisked me off to the airport, we flew to Paris, stayed in a beautiful suite where he fed me caviar and champagne and shagged me senseless all weekend." <br> Other girl, "that's wonderful!" <br> <br> Ok. ... Same scenario. <br> Two girls in an office building first thing on Monday morning having a chat by the water cooler/ coffee area. <br> One girl says to the other....... "Do anything special this weekend?" <br> And the other girl says.... "You know that guy Chris that has been stalking me." <br> ..."well .. on Friday when I got off work ..he was here, he hit me over the head and threw me in the back of his van... drove to Watford where he chained me in his basement and fed me rohypnol and repeatedly raped me all weekend." <br> Other girl.. "ooohhh.." <br> <br> The difference between these 2 scenarios is....(my arms open at this point) <br> <br> Budget.
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There was this hunter in the deep woods. That hunter been out there in them woods for a couple days, trying to get some deer for the upcoming winter. Just as he turned to head back to camp he spotted a big ol' brown bear blocking his path. That hunter thinking seeing that he didn't get any deer, he might as well get himself some bear meat. As he raised his rifle to take a shot, he noticed the bear looking in his direction. So the hunter pulled the trigger. Nothing happened, the hunter ejected the shell thinking it to be a dud. The hunter then proceeded to load another shell & afterwards raise his rifle & try another shot. As the hunter looked through the scope of the rifle he notice the bear lumbering towards him. The hunter once again pulled the trigger & again nothing happened. By about this time the hunter was getting a little nervous & looked quickly through the scope to see that bear taking bigger strides towards him. The hunter once again ejected the shell & slide one more shell in to the chamber. ... Scared to death thinking he bought himself a box of useless ammo, the hunter raised his rifle again, peered into the scope only to see that bear right on top of him. Just as the hunter fired that third shot to no avail, that bear grabbed up that hunter in a great big bear hug. That bear started squeezing the hunter so tight, the hunter's life starting whizzing around in his head. He started to see his wife & kids lives fall apart because he was sure he was going to die. Then all of a sudden that hunter felt like he had to do something to survive. So, that hunter grabbed that bears cock & just started intensely jerking that bear off. Before that hunter knew it, the bear opened his arms & dropped the hunter on the ground. Without any hesitation, the hunter got to his feet & started running. After running for short & believing he put some ground between that ol' bear & himself, that hunter looked back to see that bear still standing up right & waving for that hunter to come back!! THE END
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